By So, you’re wondering how to figure out what you want to do with your life. I’ve stopped to ponder this question for a little while because I cannot seem to think beyond the last letters of the sentence. Am I feeling a bit overwhelmed and uneasy trying to answer a question I have no answer for – the short answer is yes! I had it all figured out in 2020, then the pandemic hit. I decided then, and there 2021 was going to be my year. I had it all planned out – I knew what I was going to do and how to go about it. Diligently committed, I stuck to my plan every day because I knew that I would be working for myself at home, on my terms before long. It felt good holding that powerful visual in my mind’s eye. But as usual, when you have grand plans, and everything is mind mapped for 12 months – something has to come along and take the wind out of your sales – and that’s what happened to me when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. There was a time and space freeze at that moment; There was no time for focusing on all these external things – my heart was aching in more ways than one for the impending loss of my mother. Now that six months of her battle has ended, I’m left motionless with her passing away at home. What am I going to do with myself now that I don’t have to go to hospitals, doctors appointments, be a carer/nurse for mum? Time stood still as I think back to February and remember the enthusiasm I had for what was to come – and now it’s all turned to dust. Here is what I learnt in the process of being ambitiously motionless and lead by my hearts purpose:
One: Plans, people and our lives are fleeting
I like to be in control, and nothing throws your life into uncertainty as much as a terminal disease – either your own or someone you love. In an instant, mum’s news was evident on her ultrasound, and in the words of a specialist – my life turned around. I was angry, hurt and the first thought that came to my mind was, “How can I live my life without my rock – my mum?” For the first time in my life, I had to face the truth that people come, go, love, and lose love. There is birth, and there is death. No one can escape their time, and my time was now.
Two: We think we have it all figured out, but a higher power has other plans for us
I wanted to do so many things, and I had a plan, as I mentioned above. All projects stopped, and it didn’t seem to be that important anymore. I took to writing on Medium, even though I believed I wasn’t good enough (I still don’t think I am). I would never have predicted in a million years that I’d do well. It took me by surprise that I found comfort, joy and healing in typing out these words. I don’t know where this will take me or if it will be anything but a form of creative expression – leading onto bigger things. For now, I’m enjoying it, and perhaps others reading in between the lines are appreciating it too.
Three: There is another version of yourself you haven’t met, amongst the chaos
I used to listen to all this talk of being the person I need to be to get the things I want – and achieve above and beyond my expectations. I struggled for hours trying to see, feel and hear that person within me – hidden amongst the rubbish of everyday life struggles. As unimportant as they seemed, weeds would hold me down – focusing on the trivial daily challenges of life. When mum became sick, it tested my strength, courage and perseverance in many ways. I would never stop until I had exhausted every possible avenue to make her better. I never stopped when I saw her deteriorate in a matter of weeks. I’d still be by her side, combing her hair and washing her face. These times were tough – and it took every ounce of my being to keep going. During that time, I uncovered a person I didn’t know – finally, I saw and felt that person who I was meant to be. Maybe I wasn’t ever meant to be in that form until I walked and lived the talk. Napoleon Hill is right; through your struggles comes growth and wisdom beyond your current understanding. I have embraced and accepted this to be the only way towards personal growth and conscious expansion. No book or seminar can give that to you. It’s yours to experience when the time comes.
Four: Forgiveness for not appreciating the moments you have
This was a HUGE one for me. I knew perfectly well I had all this time before mum’s diagnosis, yet I didn’t do much about it. Yes, I did love her and be with her as usual – but I didn’t take the time and allow the space to appreciate her enough. Perhaps it wasn’t apparent in her eyes, but I knew I could have done more in mine. I had to pull up my adult socks again and let go of my higher than life expectations. We don’t know it all and can be on a higher plane of understanding for others – let alone ourselves. These life journey realisations uncover themselves upon experience. We are given these pathways throughout our time on earth. Perhaps I needed to accept that as a human, we take life and the people in it for granted. That’s just human nature – and the benefit is that next time, we can catch ourselves out when we aren’t showing gratitude – even for the simplest of things.
Five: It’s ok to change course
I’m an education junkie, although I do action only the things I want to. This isn’t good in a way, because I should action everything. But as I listen to my heart, I have developed an understanding within myself that says – it’s ok to change course. Sometimes we all believe we want to do something. Maybe we will do it but now is not the time. Changing course is your personal preference and your right to do. People will sit and take swipes at you – but hear this. Life is too short to be stuck doing something you don’t enjoy anymore; It’s ok to call it a day and move on. We can like several different things – there is nothing wrong with that at all. When is the world going to accept people like us who have hundreds of interests? Isn’t it funny how our life can take its course in a new direction due to something that may have been a disaster at first? You probably read about several instances of people losing loved ones, jobs and money – then, in some way, grew to higher levels of mastery. It takes a certain amount of courage to pick up your heart from the floor and start up again. Maybe it takes some time, or even years, to do so – but the most important lesson here is that no matter what happens to you -how to hurt, angry or disappointed you are – there is a small spot hidden within that’s waiting to be discovered from that experience. So now, instead of running away, I face it front on, and even though I don’t know what will happen, faith in myself is now so much more vital that I believe the way will appear. Your way will appear, too – keep going.